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LAUGHING OUT LOUD
This area is purely for enjoyment. I have many friends who send me things all the time and this is the place to share them. Although some may be a little "risque" most are just good clean fun, if you have one you'd like to share, let me know. So, set back, have a cup of coffee and relax for a little while.
Hopefully, you'll have a good laugh for the day and will come back soon.
(To keep you from having to scroll down each time you visit, I've divided them into pages, there is no particular order, the new jokes will be added to the last page.)
Did you hear the one about --
Retirement
After Christmas,a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded
and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and
have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must
have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises
there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming
pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man
sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same
thing every night------early birds. Some of the people can't
get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his
retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded
someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man
in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
And it Shall Be Written
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.
The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Splinters
A lady from Missoula, Montana, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in her tract. She wanted to get a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was, and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down."
The Memorial
One Sunday morning, the Pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the Church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"
A Mother's Advice
A mother was anxiously awiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure. As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband. The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to mary a Rich Doctor!, a Rich Doctor!"
Special Napkins
This was more embarassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake).
One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."
Now fast-forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day and my folks are leaving to pick up the Pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
You guessed it! When they returned, the Pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge.
My mother asked me why I used these and of course my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!"
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