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(To keep you from having to scroll down each time you visit, I've divided them into pages, there is no particular order, the new jokes will be added to the last page.)

Memory Problems

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's office they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kichen." he replies. She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies,"Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

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The Golf Game

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a might swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell of of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks the woman's path to her golf bag. She looks at the woman and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you bill become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
Mother Nature then disappears back into the bushes as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband"Hey, where's your ball?"
He yells back, "It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL ---DON"T HIT THE BALLLLLL!!!!!!!"

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Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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Knowledge

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
 5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
 6. If all is not lost, where is it?
 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after!

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Grandpa

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

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Be Careful What You Ask For

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfirends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully said,
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"Clean my house."

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